Tuesday, March 27, 2012

What we should have done this winter if we were real men


For some time now we’ve been coming to the horrifying realisation that, despite engaging in what is commonly regarded as being an extreme sport, we’re more than just a bit soft in comparison to our forefathers. We came across these old men’s magazines from the 50s and 60s and apparently this is what we should have been up to this season if we were real men...

If we were real men we should have been...Outrunning Armageddon   
Some of you might have used a skidoo this season to get you out into the peaceful wilderness to enjoy the almost spiritual experience of riding powder. You soft bastards. What you should have been doing is this winter was Skidoo Death Race 2000ing against jet fighters and nuclear missiles. That's how real men do winter you pansies.

The incredible arms race here is nicely mirrored in the name of the magazine as they gradually ramped up the epicness of the title. The next edition was probably going to be EXTRA Speed & Power Fuck Yeah!  

If we were real men we should have been...Two-fisting Bill Tilghman
And while we were busy tearing Bill a new asshole, because that just how people rolled in the 50s, we should have been riding in this death trap with our super hero buddies.

If we were real men we should have been... Taunting Avalanches  
Real men don't just go skiing or snowboarding, real men go out of their way to find an avalanche and show it who's boss. Before this guy came and had his way with her, Miss Nature was childless.

If we were real men we should have been...Skiing...Wait...WTF? 
If we were girly men we should have been skiing.

If we were real men we should have been...Hunting
Real men don't ski, real men go hunting, hanging out with wolves, dressed in wolves, killing wolves.

If we were real men we should have been...Knifing Wolves
Of course that last magazine cover was a red herring, a real man, when faced by a pack of wolves, throws down his rifle and gets busy with a Bowie knife. Those wolves are lucky he's going to show them pity and kill them clean, on a normal day he'd be biting their faces off.

It's worth noting the need to explain sex laws to the readership of these magazines in the article 'You can be framed on a SEX CHARGE'. Over the course of the rest of this article you'll see that things were more than a little grey in the 50s when it came to defining the boundaries of acceptable sexual relations.

If we were real men we should have been...Knifing to Death Anything That Moves
Don't just kill wolves, other wildlife needs to die too. Why not increase the jeopardy by waiting until the enraged wildlife within inches of goring your crotch before you casually stab the life out of it.

Sadly they still haven't decided to just hand out dope to everyone. Maybe next year.

If we were real men we should have been...Hunting Human Prey
Humans, the ultimate challenge. That's the only explanation we've got for this picture. Clearly this guy is spending the winter going round killing people and snacking on hands.

Also featuring the story 'I Married a Stripper', the Damian Sanders story

If we were real men we should have been...Stealing Eskimo Womenfolk at Gunpoint
Apparently dragging off native women by their hair and popping caps in their husbands was considered to be a reasonable way to spend your winters. I can't think of any scenario where a gentleman might find himself innocently in this situation, but there's no sign that this isn't the guy we should be backing. Race relations and sexual etiquette have come a long way since then. The article 'What are your hidden sex fears?' was probably a handy guide to rape

If you were thinking that this approach to wooing women might be an exception, you'd be wrong...

If we were real men we should have been...Hunting For Skirt in the Catskills
Fightingest is not even a word these days, even words have become less manly. 
Some of you might have gone snowboarding in the Catskills this season utilising some of the great ski resort facilities we have these days. You pussies. If you were real men you have been have been hiking around the place hunting for female slaves at gunpoint and calling it a frolic.

If we were real men we should have been...Having Sex With Any Woman in San Francisco
We should have been having sex (read: raping) so many women in Frisco that we'd literally have no time to go snowboarding. Good thing too because back in the 50s if you went snowboarding you were pretty much bound to run into some axe-welding zombies and that really spoiled the whole experience.

If we were real men we should have been...Romancing the Ladies by Braining Mounties
In unfathomably named North West Romances magazine show another great 50s example of how to flirt with the ladies. Apparently you did that by clubbing to death someone from law enforcement, followed shortly by their dog and then you could settle in to an evening of passion (read: rape). 

If we were real men we should have been...Piggyback Fighting To Death

Thank your lucky starts you were brought up after the 60s and the sexual revolution. Before that people were literally clueless about how to have sex. Look at this mess.

If we were real men we should have been...Hanging Out With Busty Braless Women in Ill-fitting Red Shirts
You may have noticed from these last two covers that the open-red-shirt-tit-flaunt was the style of choice for discerning women of the time. This cover was the last in an incredible 8-month uninterrupted run of women with poorly fastened red tops produced by Man's Life magazine. Here's a few examples...
And what better way to accessorise your ineffective-breast-concealment-top than with a gigantic python?

If we were real men we should have been...Riding Jet Skidoos Into Battle
The strangely overlooked jet-skidoo was the single greatest invention for the liberation of womenkind. For the first time in history men took time out of their busy rape schedule at the 'pleasure stockade' to do something else and women haven't looked back since.

If we were real men we should have been...Mowing Down Nazis 
If at anypoint you find that your not knifing wildlife to death, eating the fingers of your enemies, raping women (or Bill Tilghman if there are no women in the vicinity) or shooting communists from your jet-sled, then in your free time you should of course be killing Nazis.

While we're on Nazis, in the years before the internet these mens magazines were the pace to go if you wanted your regular Nazi fix...
The Nazis really had to go to some extreme lengths to make themselves look like sexual deviants at a time that raping women was apparently completely acceptable.

The guys at Man's Story magazine seemed to be particularly fixated on them. They wrote about little else...
The worst thing about the Nazis was their complete inability to understand how women worked. 

So there you go. That's a look at what we should have been doing this season if we were real men. I think we'll be sticking with snowboarding.

We found these magazine covers on two sites. If you want to study up on what it takes to be a real man, or if you're just a fan of Nazi sex torture then there's plenty more where these came from at Stagmags.com and Galactic Central.

Disclaimer - Illicit Snowboarding in no way condones the behaviour of real men and if you do come into contact with one, run....run like hell and never look back.

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