I was dredging the Internet for my next snowboarding scoop when I can across an odd site that had a page dedicated to Famous Snowboarding Mormons. I’ve since learned two things.
- To call yourself a half decent Mormon snowboarder you have to star in an X-BOX computer game.
- The Mormon religion is as bonkers as they come
- Oddly named after the Jewish religious book. I guess ‘Book of Mormon’ Bright would have been a silly name.
- According to her site her brother is a ‘snow manager’. Must be pretty handy to have someone who can control the weather in your team.
- Starred in Amped 2 & Amped 3
- Was a Mormon missionary for 2 years
- Starred in Amped 2
- He has never played Amped 2. Which shows a truly amazing lack of curiosity
- The freestyle one not the freeride one, and he has a bit of a chip on his shoulder about that.
- Owns a Backstreet Boys fridge magnet
- Starred in Amped 2
- His favourite drink is water
- Thinks stretching is ‘pretty awesome’
- Starred in Amped
- A founder of Blank snowboards - the EasyJet of snowboards
- Extremely camera shy for a pro snowboarder. As a result this is not an actual photo of him.
- Starred in Amped 3
- Drank alcohol once by accident and can’t remember when he last swore
- First snowboarder to appear on both the front and back cover of a snowboard magazine
- Also a founder of Blank snowboards
- Starred in Amped & Amped 2 (that’s him on the cover of Amped)
Joseph Smith, Jr.
- Invented the Mormon religion in 1830
- Married 28 women
- Clearly a poor snowboarder he has not starred in any of the Amped series. He does however star in an episode of
(more of that later) South Park
Illicit’s guide to the Mormon religion…
Being British I only had a vague idea what Mormons were all about. Pretty much all I knew is that there are a hell of a lot of them in
. I was intrigued that anyone would bother to make this list so I decided that now was a good time learn and this is what I found. Utah
It turns out I’m not a convert. Essentially their religion is probably the most batty religion I’ve heard of since I heard about the Cargo Cults of the
last week. Pacific Islands
Here’s a bunch of people who worship our very own racist royal - Prince Phillip
But back to the Mormons. Here is a brief history of Mormonism
A lad called Joe Smith found some magic gold plates apparently covered in ancient Egyptian writing. Apparently, because rather conveniently Mr Smith was the only person allowed to see the plates before some magic cloud fairy whisked them back to heaven.
Needing to translate them he did not use the well established method of finding some one who could read ancient Egyptian. Instead he used the more novel method of translating using a couple of magic stones in a hat. Why he needed the plates in the first place is not that clear as he could have done this without them surely.
Strangely I failed my GCSE French when I used this method
He translated the ancient Egyptian into Medieval English. Why he chose medieval English in the 1830s is a bit beyond me but I guess that’s why I’m not a prophet.
The basic story in his new book was that Jesus, after the resurrection, pottered over to
America where he found some stray Israelites who look to have beaten Columbus to the by some 1,500 odd years. Americas
Jesus hangs with the beardy Native American folk
Jesus, after recently suffering from a bit of good old fashioned murder, seems to be a bit angrier now and turns into a pretty pissed off chap who went around smiting people rather a lot.
Anyway some people started to believe in this new religion. Soon Joseph had introduced those classic mainstays of any cult, the multiple marriages and the expectation that every follower pay the church 10% of their income. That might explain why they have managed to build hundreds of gawdy up temples all round the place:
Mormon Temple - Jazzy
From then on Joe seemed to run about the
picking up a lot of enemies and getting into a lot of fights before he was eventually shot as he tried to escape from prison. US
Today there are about 13 million people that believe in this. 13 million!
Three beardy guys sneak up behind an unsuspecting Joseph Smith and pour snow down his back
That’s about all I’m going to write. The full story makes a great read in Wikipedia. It’s a great game to see how just many holes you can find in this holy story
Or alternatively just watch the South Park version:
And here ends this week’s sermon.
If you want more and want to learn about another famous snowboarder try our article on Marco Siffredi for size