Snowboarding Erotica - Is it possible?

In the first of yet another potentially epic series Illicit Snowboarding lives up to its name as we have a letch at...

One thing that you can’t avoid finding when you are searching for snowboarding pictures is images of scantily clad ladies. To be honest you pretty much can’t avoid finding scantily clad ladies when you search for anything on the internet and I for one have no problem with scantily clad ladies interrupting whenever they want to.

A virtual Internet

But I’ve noticed just how awkward it seems to be for these girls to strike anything approaching an erotic or sexy pose whilst being scantily clad in a snowboarding environment. It’s clearly one of the toughest environments for achieving erotic. In the following article we will use our very arbitrary judgment to rate the efforts and let’s see if we can find anyone who manages the impossible...

Japan. In Japan sexy is a pretty different thing than us Westerners are used to. Over there (or here, as for no related reason I’m writing this article in Tokyo) cute is sexy which is a bit odd at times. Times like these for example.

The invisible man jibs on the girl dressed like a Hawaiian smurf...

Erotic? Four seasons in one day bonkers.

The peeing dog pose...

Erotic? As sexy as a frozen flamingo. 

Little grey riding hood...

Erotic? As camp as Christmas. 

Skiing. A while back I wrote an article about the Burton Love boards that featured ladies from Playboy. In that article we took a look at skiing to see how they did things. Turned out they did erotic on a corporate level. The Lange girls are their most high budget attempt at importing sexy into a snowsport so let’s see if they have any more luck achieving this goal...

Here's Pamela Anderson giving it some...

Erotic? Moth-eaten spandex is just a bit too 90's for my taste.

Here's some chick fondling a ball...

Erotic? Not bad except for her strange palid grey skin tones.

A skier with silly hat. A common site in every resort...

Erotic? If you are straight and your into the Village people this might be your thing.
That of course is impossible. So no.

Here Lange just gave up all pretense and went with a cheap pun...

Erotic? As erotic as a giant skiing banana.

Pin-ups. This group really pull out all the stops. Throughout history pin-ups have managed to make really strange things erotic like telephones, shopping and war. Surely this should be easy for them.

The old days. Snowboards the size of telephone boxes...

Erotic? Not in those giant pants misses

Snowboarding in Care Bear world while typing on an imaginary keyboard...

Erotic: A big ginger no

Surprising crash here. Surprising because she wasn't on snow or ice or for that matter even moving at the time...

Erotic? Never been into women with size 15 feet.

Handy that they sell those matching glove/scarf/hat and bikini combos. Must get one for my mum for Christmas...

Erotic?  Miss Match the queen of awkward swatting.

There is nothing natural about any part of this pose.

Erotic? She's going to kick your ass!.

Amateurs. We live in exciting times; the internet has opened a world of opportunities for personal expression through social networking and blogs. Some ladies have grabbed this opportunity to see if they can achieve this most tricky of balancing acts.

The Mat Hatter...

Erotic? The only reason you want to see her naked is so you don't have to look at the mental clothes.

Is that a bottle in you pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Erotic? By the time you get to her she will be ravaged by skin cancer.

Thoughtful pose..

Erotic? This girl has no idea where here clothes are.

Maybe the reminder note she has written on her left breast will tell her.

Sometimes I curse the invention of cameras. And now I curse the invention of benches...

Erotic? Only if you like bench pressing 150 Kg

Professional Models. Can the pros do the business?

Yeah alright this one is the best attempt so far... 

Erotic? Its good but she still had to wear a t-shirt telling us that this is supposed to be erotic.

Stick her on a drag lift though and she looks as awkward as the rest of us...

Erotic? Drag-lift. Nuff said. 

Model Professionals. Not professional models, but professional snowboarders are also getting into the act. Can they fare any better?

Britain's best snowboarder Jenny Jones has a go...

Erotic? Not happy about her large pop-up tattoo

Gretchen Bleiler. How do you pronounce her surname anyway? Do you just make a wretching noise?

Erotic? Not bad until you find out she went on to have a shit in the middle of the photoshoot...

unless you are into that sort of thing.

In the following photograph you can deduce from the scattered snowboard gear further up the hill that Gretchen has just had the most awesomely bizarre crash ever, during which all her clothes were ripped off just before she landed in this gangsta pose precariously teetering on the edge of a jacuzzi. Convenient, for the waiting paparazzi.

Erotic? Given her already proven toilet habits I'd give this pool a wide berth.

The Business. The snowboarding companies have most to gain from achieving the impossible. Sex sells don’t it.

Some snowboard clothing company I've never heard of called Sepia have produced a range of jackets and pants called 'The Sexy'... 

Erotic? Those laces are just waiting to catch on a lift, pulling you to your impending death.
Death by ski lift is not sexy.

I knew a guy called Max. He would be a snowboarder if it was like advertised...

Erotic? Not bad, but not practical. Where would you keep your 50m tall girlfriend?

The Block Hotel - the snowboarder hotel got in on the act just before it was forced to close. Back when it was running if you got a bit peckish room service would bring you a nice tray of giant rabbit.

Erotic? Despite the girl on the left wearing some odd woolen waistcoat this is a good attempt. That is, if you can ditch the snowboarding dwarfs and after you do that is there anything to do with snowboarding left here?

A magazine shoot for All US Mag. Nope never heard of them either. Maybe sex doesn't sell all that well after all...

Erotic? The girls are sure trying hard but the guy who is there isn't in the least bit interested.

Erotic? Is this girl dropping the kids off at the pool?
Maybe she is a friend of Bleiler

The Business of Erotic. Playboy - the masters of the genre. Surely they can do it. Here they try to get into the act with some bird on the Wii

Erotic? This is a knock off of the Hula girl video and it doesn't quite achieve the same thing. She just looks drunk.

Blokes. I guess the guys just aren’t trying too hard here, sorry ladies. Blokes are of course more dominant when it comes to full blown naked snowboarding, but I’ll leave that for a future episode. In the mean time I think this poster is promoting a competition where can win an oily skier...

Erotic? Is that Christiano Ronaldo? I fucking hate Man Utd.

In Summary. Your best bet is to hire professional models and pretty much ditch the snowboarding aspect. Ultimately like oil and water this conclusively proves that snowboarding and erotic posing just don't go together.

and if you haven't had your fill of smut why not try our articles on...

Hot LOVE Action! Burton's controversial Playboy inspired snowboard range...

or 

illicit Snowboarding’s Guide to Face Fashion