"Picture editor, I need a photo for a story we're printing about snowboarding."
"No problem. Do you want the snowboarder to be doing anything specific?"
“Yeah, I need an action shot, get a picture of them jumping”
“Should be simple enough. Do you want them jumping in a park or do you want a freeride shot?”
“What the hell does freeride mean? Is it one of those Instagram filter things? I like the park idea though, it's much more original than a plain old mountain. Let's switch it up even more and have them jumping in the middle of a city street, without any snow.”
“In the middle of a road? Are you sure, it will only be a foot high standing jump and it will look really awkward.”
“Of course I’m sure, do you think I’m an idiot? Also I want it at night, the snowboarder needs to look petrified and I need him to be chased by a huge Ukrainian prostitute.”
“Really? Is that all?”
“Oh yeah, the snowboarder needs to be Todd Richards.”…
|That’s a wrap|
Last week we were trawling the uninspiring depths of the stock photography market when we sptted that there we an unusual amount of women who can’t carry snowboards. The reason for us trawling those photos in the first place was that we were amazed by the number of incredibly awkward stock photographs that we've been coming across when we researched other stories. Stock photography is used to illustrate news articles, magazines, websites and the like, but what the hell were people thinking when they produced this pitiful section of unsable pictures?
“I need a photo of someone in a living room doing a living statue performance on a coffee table in their underwear on a snowboard.”
“Actually scratch that, not the living room, I need them in the bedroom getting intimate with the snowboard.”
“Sorry me again, can we take the bed outside?”
“OK, I think we’re getting closer. I like the outside seat idea, but scratch the bloke, get two girls and get them sitting on a chair bodged together from their snowboards.”
“Make one of the girls use the snowboard chair like an ineffective tent.”
“Great. Remind me, what story did we want this photo for again?”
Here's a selection of randoms, let's try and figure out what they could be used for...
|From the makers of Dual Snowboards comes the next invention no one's been asking for - quick-release snowboard bindings.|
|The horrific, and in hindsight, inevitable death of the world's first family of snowboarder-ostrich crossbreeds.|
|Nice use of a monoboard with random stomp pads.|
Could come in handy for decorating a CD compilation of early 90's Europop hits.
|If John Lennon was alive today he'd be a lethargic snowboarder?|
|We didn't Photoshop those words in, that's how it comes fresh out the box.|
Someone genuinely thought that adding in some pigeon English would enhance this photo.
|A photo of the exact point that snowboarding became uncool.|
Enough of that, let's get back to the story.
“Picture editor, I need a snowboarding idiot in a tiger suit.”
“What the fuck was that? Is that his cock? It looks like a cock, like a stripy tiger cock! What the hell are you playing at? Why would I want a badly framed picture of the ass of a guy in a tiger suit? Get me a picture of a snowboarding idiot from the front and try him in a snow leopard suit this time.”
“Too much snow leopard, can you get me a snowboarding idiot in half a snow leopard suit?”
“Wow, those are some tight pants. Actually, it’s still not quite right, let’s go back to basics. Make it a naked girl and paint her up like a zebra.”
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