This is supposed to be the pinnacle of their careers, but thay all look like they're being processed through a Gulag. For example these are the first 32 snowboarders that came up when I trawled the site:
Not a single happy face among them.
Actually it is a bit of an exaggeration. There was one exception: Nikita Avtaneev, from Russia, is having a fucking great time
as is his fringe
Instead of just presenting a depressing array of glum snowboarder faces, we've selected two groups of snowboarders to take a closer look at to see if we can solve this quandary...
Part 1 - The Olympics Most Wanted
Maybe they're sad because they're all going straight to jail.
Certified Lady Killer
Nickname: The Gypsy
(that's what his profile says)
'Merika - Fuck yeah!
Handily the Dutch team are rocking prison overalls
DUI (Driving Under the Influence)
Convicted of having a tiny head and a massive face
Ambitions: To compete at the 2014 Olympic Winter Games in Sochi.
Freakishly Shiney Norendal
Most influential person in career: Her mother.
Albino Religious Assassin
Hobbies: Tennis, golf, spending time with friends.
Handling stolen goods
Coach: Jocke Hammar
Not his first offence
Superstitions / Rituals: He usually wears a bandanna around his face while snowboarding. (He snowboards blindfolded? How good is this guy?)
Part 2 - Adopt a Snowboarder
While I was staring at all the miserable mug shots, I spotted some particularly sad faces - the few lonely snowboarders who are the only ones representing their country. Maybe they're sad because they are lonely? If you haven't got someone to support at the upcoming festival of nationalism, why not consider one of these five...
(Andorra) - Snowboard Cross
They do have some form in the sporting arena. According to the sports section of Wikipedia, "Andorra is famous for the practice of Winter Sports and Roller Hockey." And it goes on, "In 2012, Andorra raised its first national cricket team and played a home match against the Dutch Fellowship of Fairly Odd Places Cricket Club." They lost.
Lluis is currently 24th in the current FIS boardercross rankings, so you might get lucky and see him on the telly coverage.
He was the flag bearer for Andorra during the opening ceremony of the 2010 Vancouver Games.
Adopt a Lluis this winter, he's Andorrable
(Belgium) - Slopestyle
Belgium: famous for fictional detectives, European political bureaucracy, chocolate and statutes of pissing children; not so famous for it's mountains or snowboarders. Despite all that Seppe Smits is quality; he was 4th in the X Games big air in 2014 and 2013, 10th in the slopestyle in 2014, but 3rd last year, and to top off his credentials he was the Antwerp Sport Figure of the Year in both 2010 and 2011!
Adopt a Seppe this year, he's got a decent change of being a podium botherer.
(Brasil) - Snowboard Cross
Like Lluis she was the flag bearer for her country, she's actually done it twice at the 2006 Turin games and the 2010 Vancouver games. She's not a bad snowboarder either, she's currently 12th in the FIS boardercross rankings and she was ninth in the 2006 Turin Olympics.
Adopt an Isable this games - At the ripe old snowboarder age of 37, and with Terje avoiding the Olympics because he's too old, or something like that, Isabel has got to be the go-to choice of the more mature rider..
(Ireland) - Slopestyle & Halfpipe
At the other end of the scale is this cheeky chap who is representing Ireland at the tender age of 16. He was born and raised in the US, but seeing that qualification was going to be a little bit competitive he tried to find some other way of getting to the party. He was also eligible to represent Russia through his mother, and Great Britain through his father, but again the competition was a bit too much, so finally he made the decision to proudly compete for his forth choice; Ireland where his grandparents were born.
He's got no chance of winning a medal, but Seamus is the adoption choice for everyone who's now busy scouring their family history for any evidence of a historic family tie to some obscure Eastern European state.
And you're final adoption choice is...
(Kazakhstan) - Parallel Slalom (is that still an event?)
Valeruya, 25, will become the first Kazakh athlete to compete in a snowboard event at an Olympic Winter Games. She's 39th in the current FIS standings, so she's not got much chance of winning a medal, but you should consider adopting a Valeruya for Sochi, because of two things:
1. She has a lovely website
That's a coincidence, snowboarder is my star sign too.
Well, that's 50% of you decided then.
So to summarise, I don't have any idea why all the Olympics snowboarders look so miserable. Any ideas?
You Might Also Like...
Shaun White's first offence
Snowboarders Top Trumps & Proof that a snowboarder is the greatest athlete of all time