Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Santa Claus - Merry X-treme-mas

 
Snowboarding Celebrities No. 2 - Santa

Christmas is here children. It's on this special day that Santa comes comes down your chimney and empties his sack. But have you ever wondered what Santa does with his time the other 364 days of the year?
I had never considered this quandary before but once I asked it the evidence was clear and overwhelming. The answer is - extreme sports. In fact I'd go as far as to say he is some sort of extreme sports god who has mastered the whole array of sports.
I know it will be hard for you take in the news that this big fat pie-eating brandy-soaked old man is a better snowboarder than you, and you might be a bit unsure about this whole extreme sport god thing, so I guess you cynics out there want proof.
Well here's the truth, lets see if you can handle it...



Fact 1. Santa is no mug. He's bound to have implemented modern automated manufacturing processes that must have massively reduced the time he used to spend building toys allowing him an enormous amount of free time.
Fact 2. Photographic evidence. Extreme Fred Dibnah-ing.
To be honest he's not pushing the boat out with this sport,
already being renowned as of the greatest proponents of the chimney-based building infiltration.
Fact 3. He's immortal like Connor 'The Highlander' MacLeod, but unlike MacLeod he can't keep himself busy running around loping the heads of other immortals because he is the only one so he has to use his time for hobbies.
Fact 4. Photographic evidence. Abseiling.
Right. Again this one is probably not too hard for
an experienced chimney decenter like Santa.
Fact 5. This man's diet is almost entirely based on sugar. With all that energy buzzing around him he was never going to be able to cope with cricket or golf.
Fact 6. Photographic evidence. Skydiving. Now we are outside the comfort zone.
In this picture he is captured mocking his immortal and unextreme friend Jesus

Fact 7. Photographic evidence. Santa is not just a top level snowboarder. He is equally proficient at skiing...
Fact 8. Photographic evidence. More skiing evidence to blow your tiny little minds.
Here he is out skiing with his good friend the Grinch, who also happens to be a pretty decent snowboarder and is rumoured to have introduced Santa to our sport.

Fact 9. He's not a team player.
Fact 10. Photographic evidence. He's a marathon runner
I suspect that not all of these runners are the authentic Santa.
This photo may well not be an actual fact like all the other ones in this article.
Fact 11. There is no broadband connection at the pole so he can't be wasting his spare time looking at porn sites.
So, he is on occasion partial to a bit of Ho Ho Hoing, but considering he pretty much unemployed he can't afford much of this, allowing him time to concentrate on sports. Back to the facts...
Fact 12. Photographic evidence. One handed water skiing, no problem for your man Santa...
Fact 13. He has access to a free and rapid personal transportation system ideal for ferrying him to the remote locations mandatory for extreme sports.
Fact 14. Photographic evidence. And when he gets to the resorts Santa is so extreme he even extremes the lifts.
Fact 15. He already has winter outerwear ideal for snowboarding reducing the substantial start-up costs of this sport.
Fact 16. Photographic evidence. Hitting the park and doing some skidooing with his reindeer chums.
Fact 17. Santa like most core snowboarders will not be snowboarding over the Christmas period because the slopes are too expensive and crowded.
And that brings us nicely onto on to the specific fact-based evidence we have for his snowboarding skills.
Fact 18. Photographic evidence. Santa with a snowboard.
What. Not good enough for you? You thing he just has all the gear but no idea? Well why don't you try this one for size:
Facts 19 & 20. Photographic evidence. Check the carving..
You're probably thinking, "So the guy can ride a snowboard; Big deal. How does that make him a snowboard god."
Wear this evidence...


Fact 21. Photographic evidence. 96 degree slopes. No problem for Santa. You can see that in his big smile and glazed-eyed expression.

Facts 22 & 23. Photographic evidence. Huge drop-ins with stylish backside grabs..
Fact 24. Video evidence. Here he is slashing up some powder with his elf chums


Facts 25 through 28. Paraphernalia evidence. Spin off merchandise that would only be produced for the very top level professionals putting him at least on a par with Sean White.

Key chain...




Sock...
Just one mind.
Can't imagine that will be of much practical use.
It's marketing gone mad!


Annoying children's toy
If he had any integrity he'd put a stop to that one

His very own mascot.
Normally reserved just for the big budget football teams this man has got his very own.
Finally...
Fact 29.
If this is not Santa captured in film snowboarding I'll eat my neon beanie


So that's 30ish irrefutable fact-based pieces of evidence and if you are still not convinced that this guy is an extreme sport god and the best snowboarder the world has, and ever will see, I don't know what I could do to convince you. You're probably someone that doesn't even believe in Santa, or facts.
If that describes you, I hope you have a rubbish Christmas. For all of you that do believe, have a great Xmas and keep an eye out for the great man in a resort near you this season.
Appendix
Not Fact. This last photo was found on a side that provides graphics for designers. We noted that there were a number of inconsistencies in this 'photo'. Note...
  1. If the snowboard was attached at this angle it would cut Santa's feet in half.
  2. Santa clearly favours a wide stance and not this awkward 'tight-pooing' stance.
  3. Santa prefers to ride centrally on the board rather than the unstable 'more towards the front' approach seen in this picture.
  4. Santa does not carry a bell to produce music, he uses an ipod just like everyone else.

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