Sunday, December 28, 2008

Hot LOVE Action!

While thinking about how to increase the readership we realised that we just had to embrace porn because it is after all the foundation of the Internet, and in our hour of need the people of Smugglers Notch have come to our aid.

Smugglers Notch sounds like smutty innuendo but rather disappointingly it is a small town in Vermont who are decidedly anti-porn. At least they are in snowboarding way.

The big news in snowboarding at the moment is that Burton has caused some controversy by plastering scantily clad ladies across one of their snowboard ranges this season. This has riled up the US conservative community, who having lost the presidential elections, are spoiling for something to complain about. It has annoyed literally some Americans to the stage where they are leaving their trailers, actually writing things and have been seen walking, in street protests.

OK, next to the riots in Thailand and Greece this bit of local US news ain’t causing much of a stir but it is the only topical news that you might read about snowboarding on the Google News feed. So in what is now a tradition of this site we will be shamelessly trying to steal some of this controversy to boost our readership. So just in case you blinked and missed it, here is a sample of the kerfuffle through some of the CNN coverage:

And what is this heinous porn that is causing the uproar? Here it is, cower in fear good fearing people...
Not quite sure what CNN were pixelating
Now we're as horrified as anyone by this.

No really we are.
Over the years this sort of thing has been the scourge of snowboarding's good name. We cannot just sit here quietly reading our Daily Mail anymore and today we have been forced to expose this seedy underbelly. We hope you are as furious as we are.

Here are some other things that that been happening in the sordid world of snowboarding graphics that we believe the good people of Smugglers Notch should also be up in arms about...

The philosophers The Black Eyed Peas once asked the question 'Where's the love?"
- Answer: Its wrapped around your little boy!

Watch out for the latest underhand scheme of
Burton to wrap our children in porn-jackets! Beneath the innocuous flowery exterior lies this. This so-called man just has it the wrong way round. I guess this is how snowboarding fashion rolls these days.
I imagine it would get a bit sweaty in that jacket.

Hang on a second. Burton have been offenders before. This is an old Burton Un Inc. Can anyone remember why we we weren't angry about this one at the time?
Boobs! Even though we missed it before we are now desperately angry.

Those Christian baiters the Roman's have taken the opportunity to join in and have released this board.

Rome Artifact
Verbal porn! Do we want our children to be exposed to words!

The filthy little people at Lib Tech produced this...
Cartoon nipples.
This could give our children strange Smurf related fetishes!

Lib Tech cause affront again with this year's range...
Even worst this year. Faceless Smurf fetishes!

It has also come to our attention that Sims Fader boards have used smut to sell their boards for years
Exhibit 1. Woman with freaky square bra! Exhibit 2. Woman with blue nipple. What is about snowboarders and blue nipples?
Exhibit 3. Sims really pushed things too far by using a disgusting image of the porn-stars Jenna Jameson and Briana Banks apparently touching.

Smut merchant Travis Wood, head of marketing for Sims had the following to say for himself:

"The huge success of last year's Fader series confirmed our belief that the fan base for Jenna among snowboarders is terrific. We chose one of the hottest scenes from the best selling 'Briana Loves Jenna' feature to illustrate the top sheet of the new board because it's so wildly popular."

We believe there is a very real danger that any boy that is exposed to these boards
will start to wear fishnet tights

Capita capitalise on lewdness with this year's Stairmaster. With that name we can only assume they are intending on marketing this to old defenseless people.
Purple. Very fashionable this year we've heard.

Obsure Italian manufacturer Protein have come out with a board with images of call girls on them. The most shocking thing about this design though is the company's extreme laziness as they used the same design on their skis And that nice little sedgeway brings us onto the bubbling undercurrent of immorality which is skiing.

Yes snowboarding may have the reputation of being the edgy part of the industry but it is the skiiers that really take it too far and appear to have been doing so for years:

Got Head?
The Jon Olsson pro model.

And again this year!
Twice in two years. Good going!

And some company called Boone is at it with Twins
For years Lange have been putting out demeaning calendars:
Hey that's Pamala Anderson

Blizzard should get a frosty reception for this

Clearly not dressed for the cold!
And these companies definitely know what they are playing at. One of their very own - Dinosaurs Will Die, were also so outraged that they produced this warning poster.

So people of Smugglers Notch. Its time for the revolution against this revolting corruption. I imagine if you complain enough through the medium of signs and winging that these snowsports types will instantly remove the hugely expensive range of snowboards and skis and choose to go out of business instead of causing minor offense. Stick it to the man!

And just in case you are not quite convinced of the danger here's a final insult from Burton with a board featuring a


  1. Don't forget about Smokin's super offender, and Rome released two limited edition artifacts with the base saying 'Show Your Tits' and 'Down to Fuck' instead of 'Live Nude Girls.' Never saw a picture of them but i know they were around.

  2. The ROME boards were sick. There was a gloss/ matt effect of some muff munching going on. Pretty ingenious if you ask me.


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