Sunday, March 22, 2009

Seal Rapes Penguin and a Plethora of Snowboarding Celebrities!


Snowboarding Celebrities 3, 4 & 5 – Pingu, Seal and Heidi Klum
Now at first glance you might think that these three celebrities have little in common but you’d be wrong. Read on to see how they are linked into one seething mass of cutting-edge snowboarding journalism...

Snowboarding Celebrity No. 3. – Pingu

Pingu has during his career produced and starred in a huge number of independent videos, but he remains a relatively unknown face on the snowboarding scene.
A brief glance at his movie titles tells you that he’s clearly pretty up himself, as just like Jeremy Clarkson, all the videos are self-titled - Most of them are seriously dull home videos about losing things or finding things but he does on occasion do more active things producing videos on a variety of sports including:
  • Fish Tennis
  • Hide and Seek - This is a particularly dull video as Pingu remains successfully hidden throughout
  • Race on the Barrel Planks
  • Snowball Fighting
  • Sledging - A long succession of cricketing insults
  • Tobogganing - Suspiciously similar plot to ‘Sledging’
  • Ice Surfing - Now this sounds like a seriously extreme sport
But along with these oddities he has produced a snowboarding video:
Pingu the snowboarder - produced 2004 Stars Pingu, Robby and Pingi. Pingg also appears, in a minor role.
Alternative title “Robbie the snowboarder”
Stay tuned for a full play of this video later in the show...

In these days where media profile counts for everything for a pro-snowboarder his obscurity is due to a number of problems:
  1. He’s a mute
  2. He’s a nudist
  3. He’s a penguin
  4. He’s a sex addict
  5. He suffers from ADD
  6. He’s a crap snowboarder
Now you might be thinking why these might cause a problem…
1. His muteness means he is sadly unable to include the comedy interludes that are so important in pulling the weak plot of a snowboarding video together.
2. His nudity is clearly not a sensible thing in freezing conditions but more importantly it also limits his movies to an 18+ audience.
3. Being a penguin makes it extremely difficult to find snowboarding gear and the large snowboarding manufacturers have limited interest in supporting an athlete that only appeals to the pengiun demographic.
4. He’s a sex addict. Boy is he. Most of the videos he has created have been low-budget niche porn titles. Take a look at this incredible list:
  • Pingu in a box
  • Pingu and his cup. (like 2 girls and 1 cup)
  • Pingu and Pinga Go Camping
  • Pingu’s Outing
  • Pingu and the Doll
  • Pingu’s Lavatory Story
  • Stinky Pingu
  • Pingu and the Organ Grinder
  • Pigu and the School Pet
  • Pingu and the Troublesome Ball
5. Sadly he is affected by ADD which explains why he is the jack of all trades and master of none (apart from porn clearly). His foray into snowboarding was just too brief to really make the impact he was hoping for.
6. He’s a crap snowboarder. This of course is probably the most significant problem. Lets have a look at the evidence...
Warning – This movie contains full frontal nudity and copious amounts of ass-slapping and his mate the seal fella is an annoying twat.

Which brings us neatly onto his Antarctic buddy….

Snowboarding Celebrity No. 4. – Seal

Seal, or Henry Olusegun Kwassi Olumide Adelo Samuel as his mum calls him, has been a snowboarder for years and is apparently pretty good at it. Despite his name he is also the first ‘actual’ person to feature in the Snowboarding Celebrities hall of fame.
Of course I have no actual proof he is any good and all I know about him is that he doesn’t seem to make all that much music so he has a lot of time to do it and during those periods he is mainly captured on camera walking around in various dubious snowboarding get-ups...

Is he wearing seal fur?
Now I can't quite make out what snowboard he is using but the all-black base is pretty dull. Looks like he missed a trick when he didn't buy one of these puppies:

I'm pretty sure this is a different seal but i thought it was worth posting because if they did have this event at the 2010 Winter Olympics it would be brilliant...

Now being a ‘Little bit crayayayazy!’ seems to come in handing for British soul singer Seal because he bagged himself German beauty Heidi Klum.
What a lovely couple:
He actually proposed to her in an igloo on Whistler mountain. I guess he rented it from his mate Pingu

And so we move on to Mrs Seal herself…
Snowboarding Celebrity No. 5. – Heidi Klum.

I don’t know anything about Heidi Klum other than her job is to walk around looking pretty and she would seem to be doing well out of it. As for her snowboarding prowess I know very little but she is friends with the Flying Tomato himself Sean White so that’s enough reason to include her.

Heidi clearly a snowboarder next to Seal who continues to be spotted walking around in another dodgy snowboard outfit.

And finally I’ll leave you with this harrowing story from the BBC that suggests that Seal has been getting to know Pingu a little too well:
An Antarctic fur seal has been observed trying to have sex with a king penguin.

The South African-based scientists who witnessed the incident say it is the most unusual case of mammal mating behaviour yet known.
The incident, which lasted for 45 minutes and was caught on camera, is reported in the Journal of Ethology.
The bizarre event took place on a beach on Marion Island, a sub-Antarctic island that is home to both fur seals and king penguins

I’ve got to say two things:
1. Those South African scientists have incredible vision to be able to see that far and...
2. 45 minutes. Yea gods!

If you wan't more snowboarding celebrity gossip check out our articles on Santa and James Bond

1 comment:

  1. Hi! Where could I find that cute pink seal snowboard? I want one!


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