Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The 2011/12 Snowboard Porn Gear Guide

 
Fact: People absolutely love snowboarding gear guides.
It must be true. Last year our first gear guide became easily our most read article, accounting for 13% of all the visits to the site. Every day people continue to arrive in their hundreds just to enjoy that article and learn more about last year’s snowboarding gear. The only odd thing is that they don’t spend long reading the article and in under 2 minutes they’re done. 
We want to make sure we provide the quality content our readers demand so without further ado, for all you gear guide fans, here is this year’s guide…



Mountain Topless
Plot: A beavy of beauties head off to enjoy a day of snowboarding. Unfortunately, due to significant design flaws, their clothing and snowboard gear steadily disintegrates throughout the day leaving the girls in a right pickle. 
Everything was going swimmingly at this point
Boards – Salomon Lily $399.99. The girls are modelling last season's board, which was a winner of a Transworld Snowboarding Good Wood award (ironically).

Photographed just seconds after the mystifying and complete loss of all upper body apparel.
Gloves - POW Shocker $39.99.  (the one in the middle gear fans)
Pants - black ones


Forced to use extreme measures to keep essential parts of themselves warm
 Sun Glasses - Dolce & Gabbana


After even their snowboards had failed them the, by now entirely naked girls, were able to make it home safely with help from a friendly passing inflatable turtle  

Twenty-Nine-Year-Old Topanga
(we looked it up)
Plot: A women ravaged by serious orthodontic issues that have forced her to wear corrective braces for over half of her life finds herself locked in a room with an uncontrollable fire. The only hope she has to regulate her body temperature is to rapidly shed all her extraneous clothing.
Mildly warm initially causing Topanga to be just a little miffed and pouty
Board - unknown princess pink coloured one. Ideal for any woman determined to try and cheat the ageing process.

Topanga suffered a serious set back when she forgot to take off her boots before trying to remove her pants wasting precious minutes.
 Boots - Burton


At this point Topanga managed to remove half of her bra which she had strangely fashioned from gloves 
 Gloves - gropey


Sadly, after all her efforts, just ten minutes after this photo was taken Topanga sadly died from heat exhaustion.
Goggles - Oakley



Nice Gaff
Plot: A girl needing to make emergency repairs on her snowboard gear has to find some sort of temporary fix.
Katie with a fucking massive snowboard
Board - Burton. Don't recognise it but it has Jake Burton's signature on the top sheet so its probably a good few years old.
Bindings - Burton

Katie, with a now tiny snowboard, searches for a solution to her quandary within the numerous pockets of her outerwear. 
Jacket - DC
Pants - black ones


Katie, with a snowboard than has regrown to monstrous proportions, finally locates the solution. 
Bra - Gaffer Tape, the classic snowboarding essential. Don't ever leave home without it gear fans.


Jester Twat
Plot: A girl absolutely mashed up on E's and Wizz arrives home after an apr├Ęs-ski rave and tries desperately to continue the party while also trying to get herself out of the 90's and out of her snowboard gear.
So off her face on the shrooms that it took close to a hour to unlace her boots 
Boots - Northwave
Goggles - Dragon 
Sunglasses - unnecessary 

She staggered around drooling in her ill-fitting under garments for another 40 minutes as the Ketamine really hammered home 
Underwear - Hanes 
Hat - shit

A temporary moment of lucidness was soon extinguished when she remembered where she had been muling the charlie...and the horrifying binge continued.
Board – Famly Racing Series. They did spell it like that, it didn't make sense, they don't make snowboards anymore. 

In a desperate and final bid to continue imbibing drugs she tried to smoke this giant plastic joint before she succumbed to unconsciousness. 
Gloves - Burton



Inter-lude
Here’s an interesting thing. The snowboarding porn niche, which we only discovered last year, is rapidly growing. Last time out we found 14 instances of snowboarding porn on the internet and this year we found another 8. Here’s that increase shown in a chart.

At that rate of growth, give it just another few years and the internet will be entirely swamped by snowboarding porn.


Bellend of All Hope
We were going to come up with some convoluted set-up for this photo-shoot but fortunately the guy had already provided us with the back story on his site: 
Plot: “So I was at this ski resort, right? You probably won’t say I’m the kind of guy to be into sports hehe. But anyway, sometimes I feel snowboarding is my thing. See this beauty I got in my hands? A present from a sponsor, innit. But that’s a long story anyway. Okay."
“The air and the snow were killer, I had loads of fun snowboarding like a motherfucker.”
Then he went home and had a miserable lonely wank.
Lonely
Jacket - WHS
Pants - clashing


Lonely, with a fridge in his spartan living room 
 Bindings - Bent Metal (ironically)


Lonely, the sort of loneliness you can only get when wracked with the post-wank guilt as you sit in the rapidly cooling damp patch of your ass sweat in a worn and faded velour lounge chair looking around your tiny house/kitchenette and facing the prospect of enduring the misery that is your life for years to come 
Board - Atom Lords&Boards. Atom are a Russian snowboard company which will probably soon be sued out of existence by Atomic. 



Treesome
Plot: An artistic still life study of a girl, in a room, with 4 pillows, a snowboard, a large inflatable Christmas tree and a clear plastic chair.
A snowboard, 4 pillows, a girl, a large inflatable Christmas tree and a clear plastic chair

A large inflatable Christmas tree, 4 pillows, a snowboard, and a girl on a clear plastic chair


4 pillows, a girl, a large inflatable Christmas tree, a snowboard and a plug socket.
Board - LIB Tech although they have blurred out the logo in the pictures. I guess the LIB Tech logo is just too explicit for a mainstream Internet audience.




Dirty Truckers
Plot: A lady standing in the snow in her underwear thumbs a lift from two passing motorists and...


What the fuck? They only just met!
Pick-up truck (ironically) – Mitsubishi L200
Boots - Salomon

Boots - also Salomon



Surprise In Store
Plot: A lady goes into a store to buy a new snowboard set-up and...

Board - Arbor Push



Hang on a second she looks a bit familiar...
Board (left) - Elan Ascent 
Board (middle) - Arbor Element 
Board (right) - Elan Prodigy 


Wasn't she the girl with the two truckers....oh shit, here we go again...

Board - Elan Pure 
Board - Rossignol RS
Hats - Dakine & Dragon
Gloves - Dakine & Scott


Helmets – Pro-Tec (ironically)
Tiny snowboarder - enjoying the view



Can you spot any snowboard gear we missed? Last year an incredibly brave lad called Tom from Chamonix Snow Report  turned out to be quite the expert at spotting bindings.


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