Tuesday, October 1, 2013

A Fete Worse Than Death - Illicit Goes Undercover At The Fulham Ski Fete

The Fulham Ski Fete took place on Sunday. You might be surprised to find out this event exists, and then you might just suppose it was a just an innocent event suffering from a lack of marketing, but you'd be wrong, something far more sinister was happening. We were suspicious about this apparently secret ski-only event held in t-shirt temperatures in the posh end of town. Were they surreptitiously keeping the event under the radar to exclude snowboarders? We decided to slip in undercover to see what was really going on. It turned out our fears were well founded and at the same time we hadn't even begun to grasp the full ramifications. You'll be horrified by what we found...

It looked innocent enough from their website and the marketing material they used

But things started to look more suspicious when we found the material they used to promote the event to potential advertisers/co-conspirators. All these incredibly vague statistics and the talk about aiming, targeting and concentrations was just a bit creepy. It might be code for something, but I haven't cracked it yet:

"We estimate that of the 1 million ski tourists in the UK, around 20,000 of them live in South West London. We will be targeting these people directly though our database and our extensive network within the ski industry. These will be our target participants, however this is not going to be the exclusive audience we will attract as you will see in our planned marketing strategy. We are aiming for an attendance of 3,000 to 4,000 people. With a combination of advertising in key local areas and by providing entertainment for all demographics we will achieve our target audience.

Figure 2 shows the breakdown of the ski market in London by postcode. The largest concentration is in the South West postcode."

If all we'd had at this point was some vague suspicious, we really started to get worried when we arrived at the nearest underground station, Putney Bridge, to find it had it's own fully functioning machine gun emplacement. What kind of public transport system needs security like this? What are they preparing for? What sort of people were we dealing with and what were we walking into?

And the big blue metal magnet/gun thing in front of it did nothing to alleviate our fears

In hindsight we should have turned back there and then, but in the interests of snowboard journalism we decided to push on. As we approached the event, past the fleets of Range Rovers and Porsche Cayennes, the next challenge we had was getting past their security systems, which consisted of this small pink fairy castle complete with cast iron fences and a moat.

It was like blundering into set-up of a medieval German fairy-tale, something told us this wasn't going to end well.

Once we'd managed to infiltrate the event we started to be followed by this uniformed gang of giant bugle-playing albino Smurfs.

They weren't the only musical entertainment at the fete. A bit later the apr├Ęs ski band Mullit turned up to spent some time wondering what the hell their manager was thinking when he made this booking, as they played Get Your Rocks Off... 

 To a crowd of tiny children

and disinterested adults...
Please note the man in the hat
(These two pictures are from Planet Ski's review of the event) 

Here's a few other strange things we saw:

Least likely animal to have in a ski logo award goes to...
Although technically the armadillo is monoskiing. The second ski is clearly unattached and careening out of control

Most expensive/heinous onepiece ever created award goes to...
Norrona and this £1,000 suit ($1,550), and for that price you don't even get any insulation. 

Amazingly it wasn't the flashiest item of clothing on display. We spotted this fancy get-up inside the bishop's palace.
That's just taking the episcopal

Strangest sticker pack to find in an ecclesiastical gift shop award goes to...

Supposedly the main focus of the day was the attempt to set a new record for the largest gathering of people wearing bobble hats. The existing record of 764 people had been held by a school in Northern Ireland since 2010. Here's the exact moment the Fulham Ski Fete crowd attempted to beat that record...

They would have had a better chance of breaking a record if they'd tried to set a record for people still wearing Ugg boots in 2013. The bobble hat record attempt was so seriously poor there had to be some underlying ruse. No one could fail this badly without doing it on purpose. What was happening here and what was their ulterior motive?

The answer? The Fulham Ski Fete is actually an underground elitist ski indoctrination event designed to turn their children in snowboarder-hating killers. Here's the evidence:

Training small children to become political assassins...
This seemed to be a particularly strange focus of hate, because at a rough estimate, every single member of the crowd were Tory supporters.

But turning on their own kind was only the start of it. Next up we found a game designed to promote animal abuse and normalise the infliction of pain on others...

And it wasn't just stuffed animals, it was live animals too. I managed to capture this shot of the two caged penguins who were kept out in the summer heat to be terrorised by small children
Moments after this photo was taken, one of the penguins succumbed to heat exhaustion and it's carcass was was torn apart and eaten by the baying mob.

But it was at this next stall that we truly started to fear for our lives. In the next 'game' the children were taught to throw heavy missiles at what are clearly crude representations of snowboaders...

To the left of that stall they were proudly displaying the remains of their latest unfortunate snowboard victim...

Our lives were clearly in danger so we immediately made our escape before our cover was blown. 

What, at the start of the day, just seemed to be a obscure event, turned out to be a horrifying anti-snowboard cult of rabid ski extremists indoctrinating the next generation to hunt snowboarders into extinction. How many more people are involved in this conspiracy, how much further does this go? I don't know what's going to happen to us now, but we had to get this warning out before it's too late. If you don't hear anything more from us, don't come looking for us.... you have to save yourselves...you have to warn the others.

This is the next event at Fulham Palace
I'm 90% sure this event is being organised by the wicked Queen from Snow White.

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