Thursday, August 18, 2011

F#$+K IT’S ALMOST WINTER – The first signs that a sleepy snowboard industry is coming out of hibernation

It's mid August and already the first gear guides are in the shops. That's the internationally recognised warning sign that we’ll  soon have to pick up our blog production above our lackadaisical summer levels.
The fist magazine to come our way was Onboard's 2011/2012 gear guide and from our first cursory leaf through it looks like there’s a few other people still working on summer time in the snowboard marketing industry. Here's a few of the misguided advertising campaigns you can look forward to seeing in the early days of the new season...
Spy are fucking bad at spelling...
"Fuuuk, fuuck, fucck, ffuck? How do you spell this shit? It is a five letter word isn't it? Oh bollocks let's just replace the middle letters with some symbols."
Giro are well pleased with their new goggles and want to tell the world, but something's missing...
"Tranny finding starts with seeing clearly. Anton Gunnersson, two-story  stone wall, closeout gap to tranny finder, and The Station goggle with Giro's proprietary anti-fog coating."
Turns out their proprietary anti-fog solution is to not wear goggles. How crap are their goggles if even their own rider doesn't wear them for the 30 seconds it took to hit the trick in their promotional photoshoot?
We're look forward to them promoting their new ultra-ventilated helmets (as long as you don't wear them)  in their next ad campaign.

According the the speal in the ad, these Giro goggles are great if you like "tranny finding", but if tranny's are not your thing, how about lesbians? At least that's what the Bula marketing must have been thinking when they got into the act with this refreshing ad, which they dropped into the middle of the women’s clothing section. They have chosen to throw all their budget at the very niche demographic of snowboarding lesbians and as much as I wholeheartedly support that demographic, I don't hold out much hope for Bula's marketing strategy.
While we're on boobs, and yes you were, here's this year's controversial snowboard graphic that will get right-wing parents spitting out their dummy's and protesting on the streets. Yes' Great Boobs boards, proceeds of which go to a breast cancer charity, so that's all right then. 
You might notice, over to the right of those boobs, an element of European gear guides that is strangely missing in the US versions - information. Every year I pick up a few US magazine gear guides in the false hope they might have something in them and every year I’m faced with a pointless and unexplained gallery of pictures. I shit you not Americans; over in Europe these things are chock full of actual information and useful shit, what you see here is just the tip of the iceberg. Someday, if you’re lucky, this mad concept of providing the guide aspect in a gear guide might just take-off round your neck of the woods.

Here’s a couple of snowboarding trends we spotted looking through this year’s gear guide. The 2011/2012 season sees a noticeable reduction on boob graphics and a large increase in skulls compared to previous years. Also for the first time there is finally the opportunity to have a jacket with the word Horse written right across the front...
We've personally been waiting for this for years. Finally the perfect jacket for the incredibly well-endowed. 
Before we go here's a chance to see what's coming up in the next issue of Onboard magazine...a man with a massive head.
Look at the size of that thing...
This lad must be awesome at flips, once he loses contact with the ground his massive noggin will flip him around like an upturned Weeble.

Disclosure: Abercrombie & Fitch are apparently paying Jersey Shore's The Situation not to wear their clothes. You may have noticed there is no advertising on this site but if any of these companies want to be removed we'd be more than happy to be paid not to advertise them.

You might also like...
The Porn Snowboard Gear Guide (NSFW)

Another dodgy bit of marketing from last season

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