Thursday, September 13, 2012

The 2012/13 Snowboard Porn Product Guide

 
Each year the snowboard magazines (or treeware as they're know by the incredibly wanky word I heard for the first time today) churn out a special edition introducing at the newest snowboards and gear. The gear guides that are produced is usually a endless, and not all that exciting or useful array of pictures of snowboards for people to peruse. We felt that the format needed spicing up a little...
"Hi Shane, I'm interested in getting a new snowboard for the start of the season and I wanted to your expert advice on which snowboard I you think would suit my riding ability. "
What the shit? 
You don't get that shopping on Zumiez.
Despite the sponsorship of the walls in the video Sapient are now  unfortunately an ex-snowboard business. Also you might notice a blue Millennium Three (M3) Discord snowboard there too, still available for just $86.99. M3 are also defunct despite the fact that their brand manager was the delightfully named Ronnie Tambourine. Shit I wish my name was Ronnie Tambourine. Anyway the funny thing about the M3 Discord is that was apparently constructed with A-Hole technology...
And now we're on to the platinum wall sponsor KR3W, the denim company, a great choice when you need to put your pants back on. 

Yes, the regular readers/learers amongst you might have noticed that for the very first time we have delved into the seedy world of porn videos to help find this years crop of talented snowboard reviewers. There's not many other snowboard sites that would go to this sort of trouble for you, but that's how we roll.
Some of you might recognise this video, it went massive during the summer, dropping the productivity of off-season snowboarders to new depths. Here's one of the girls strapping on a 2011 Burton Cruzer 139 for designed for boys and available for $239.95
They also tried out a 2011 Signal Park, still available for $259
What the manufacturer says: "The Signal Park Snowboard with the Park Profile core, thinner on the nose and tail but has a standard thickness between your feet. The alternating grain structure of the Poplar core provides maximum strength and maximum pop." 
Let's move on...
This time is Neff with the official sponsorship.
Not sure who these trousers are made by, but they're shit looking so don't buy them. Zero out of six and a bit stars on our scale.
OK. This one stumped us. Any idea who made these gloves? Yes, there are some gloves at this point in the video, but I'm sure most people missed that important detail. 

Next we tried out some amateur action.
This effort was sponsored by no-ones favourite British low-budget sports retailer JD Sports 
Watch-us-fuck-up-all-the-fucking-time.com
 After watching about 10 minutes of this couple commuting to the slopes proving themselves to be truly tedious and dull people, this lad then proceeded to fall down every slope he could find.
Then they sat down and ate a hefty feast of quiche.
Finally they got on to some very business-like and not at all out of character tedious grinding away sex until this guy started howling like a wolf and gave this face. I've never seen a man in so much pain, I can only guess that his dick must have fallen off. 
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I wouldn't take any advice from this two, so camo pants are most definintely out this season. 

Let's get back to the professionals...
Going to have to apologise, but we have no idea what any of this clobber is. Anyone know the board with the stick fella on it? It would be great to know, because apparently its the must-have board amongst the discerning porn fraternity this season.
Snowboard boots. Grippy ones.
The inevitable Red Bull sponsorship.
Is nothing sacred to the energy drink behmoth?


This season we'd recommend getting one of these snowboard stands.
Here's another angle on those mysterious snowboards. This guy was rocking the mountain topless, as was his mate, who in a few minutes entered stage right with another classic porn star ropey slow speed snowboard crash. This season topless snowboarding is in.

Also snowboarding with ski poles is in too.
That sinister snowboard again
Some Northwave boots. I used to have a set of them, they were OK. Best thing to do when choosing boots is try them on and see how they fit. The fit is by far the most important thing and there's pretty much nothing else to it. Happy shopping.
Another angle on those boots.

As an equal opportunities product guide producer here's a few things for the ladies...
Some chaps sporting ES underwear, not to be confused with the skate brand. Turns out that ES underwear is useless and tends to fall off. We'll not be recommending this brand until they sort out their quality control issues.
It's another epic example of a model who can't carry a snowboard.

Have to admit. I didn't watch this one. This is just a single screen shot I found, there's only so much I'm willing to do in the name of journalism, but you get the gist.
Also massive stomp pads and rental shop stickers are going to be huge this season.

Finishing off with some traditional photo montages...
The aptly named Ride Kink circa 2008. I used to have one of these boards and I'd give it two thumbs up. 
An old set of Oakley A-Frame goggles.You can get a new set for $140 if you want to update your pornstar look. 
And you'll want a set of Ride Delta bindings from 2006 to finish off the look

And finally...
Yup, that's a gorilla suit. Nope, I have no idea why, but that's fashion for you, all I do know is you need to be rocking one of these this season if you want to fit in. You can pick up your own for $55
She wear Rossignol Radical ski boots available on eBay for $125. Shit for snowboarding, we wouldn't recommend them.
That's a whole lot of animals.
Turns out I'm rubbish at recognising the soles of snowboarding boots. Everyone needs a flaw and I guess this is mine.

Hopefully this article and our menagerie of helpful critters has enabled you to select the perfect snowboard and gear for the new season. Good luck.

*UPDATE*
Good news. Ronnie Tambourine from M3 has been in touch and apparently they are still in business and their new website should go live within the next few weeks.

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This is the third year we've written a porn gear guide and it is now our longest running series of articles. Here's the innocent 2010/11 edition and the incredibly bleak 2011/12 edition

And if you want some more pictures of people that can't carry snowboards here's the answer you're looking for.


2 comments:

  1. haha classic. I think those gloves are some sort of Black Diamond ones. Also, what's with the chick wearing trainers in the last shot?!

    ReplyDelete

 
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