Saturday, August 1, 2009

Snowboarding Alternatives: Multiple Snowboarding


Question: What do the following all have in common?
  • Jar Jar Binks & Star Wars
  • Vomit & Jimi Hendrix
  • Gorge Bush & Justifiable Warfare
  • Butch Brady and Eric Sweet & snowboarding
Answer: They all managed to ruin something that used to be cool.
Over the years as snowboarding has become more mainstream it has lost its edginess. These guys came to late to be held fully responsible for this loss, but what they have managed to do is to shamelessly batter the definitive and final nails into the coffin. Watching these guys going to work on snowboarding is like watching your dad, who at one time was the coolest man in your universe, dance at a wedding. There is no sadder sight known to man.
So this article is not just about multiple snowboards it’s also about; Butch & Sweet - the most evil men in snowbusiness.

Butch & Sweet first sullied the face of snowboarding in 2008 when they married up a multiple snowboard with clothes that should have remained in a Jive Bunny video first broke this story. Their claim to fame is that they are ‘Eastern Idaho and Western Wyoming’s #1 LOCAL News Source’. The #2 LOCAL news source is Mad Jim, the village drunk.
Here are some snippets from this historical interview which appeared in the section ‘Wild File’ which shows just how freaking crazy Eastern Idaho and Western Wyoming must get a times.
‘The pair has already turned heads by setting records riding their tandem board. They are now in the Guinness Book of World Records for most consecutive turns on a two-man snowboard.’
By turning heads I think they mean people are shaking their heads in shame. The Guinness Book of Records isn’t quite what it used to be is it? Roy Castle is turning in his grave.
"Well you have to give up half of the control. The person in the front is the front foot. The person in the back is the back foot, so as you're riding a snowboard you flex your feet. The person in the front has to go a little before the person in the back, so it's a marriage," said Brady.

A marriage? The Goat put it best in their article - 'First Openly Gay Couple in Wyoming Sets Guiness Record for Tandem Snowboarding'...

‘A couple of cowboys in Jackson, Wyoming became the first two-person snowboard team to successfully navigate the ultra red state’s social scene. They built a two-man snowboard to attempt to break the world record in futility. The snowboarders’ insurance company won big when the tandem crew made it to the bottom in matching outfits without serious injury. Jackson Hole’s PR department called the day a huge success, then hung themselves from the tramdock.
The XJ-13 Snowboard ridden in the assault on reason was 9 feet, 7 inches long and made from two boards bolted together. Clearly this genius will never end. Soon these muppets will have so many boards added together the will set off form the top of a mountain and arrive 1 second later.’
Here’s a video of the two muppets in action
And a final bit of insight from the crew:
‘Brady is the inventor of the unique board called the tandem board. The only kind like it in the world, that they know of. Brady and Sweet are in the process of patenting the tandem board.’
A cursory look around the internet shows that these guys were not the first guys to invent this shit so either they are just too lazy to do any research at all or they can add ‘big fat liars’ to their résumé of stupid.
Here’s some lady called Cherie way back in 2000 who seems to have been innocently forced into multiple snowboarding. It’s a good article on learning to snowboard and it also clearly outlines the numerous reasons why tandem snowboarding is never going to catch on, so lets take a quick look:
I have finally found a sport where my big butt is an asset: snowboarding.
Johan loaned us three grand worth of top of the line snowboarding gear in an effort to convince us to try the sport. It worked, but the only time Kristi and I looked good, was when we weren't snowboarding. When actually snowboarding, we were simply fools in expensive clothing.

So we found an official snowboard teacher named Dominick. Dominick was young and cocky (a dangerous mixture) but he said two things to Kristi I will never forget.

1. "Your face is like an angel, but I think you are a big bitch."
2. A few hours later he added "I like bitch."

Later we exchanged Dominick for a new snowboard instructor named Martin.

Martin taught us to tandem snowboard. That's right, a new recipe for disaster: four bindings, two people, and one board.

My unreasonable panic attack turned quite reasonable after a few minutes after I leaned one way and Martin leaned the other. Something snapped and we kart-wheeled down the mountain; a messy human avalanche with protruding appendages.

Then Kristi and I returned to our hotel where no one spoke English except the two 13 year-old boys who kept hitting on us. Tired of being crank-called with teenage silliness, we did the mature thing and headed to our cheese-ball hotel bar.

A stranger grabbed Kristi's breast and when she yelped and flung his hand away he exclaimed: "I'm sorry, that's how we say 'hello' in Germany."

"That's funny, in the USA we say 'hello' by smacking people across the face."

So back to Butch & Sweet.
Not content with just one short bit of press they decided to dress up in the skins of dead animals to see if they could get some more coverage. Here they are in their new and even more mental get-up in a photo that Gizmondo has lovingly Photoshoped.

Clearly they milked the two person snowboard as much as possible to get their 15 minutes fix.

You’ll notice in that previous video that the 2 person snowboard was just not enough and they were promising a follow up of a three person snowboard. Well they followed up on their threats and here’s that video:
The one good thing about that video was watching them fall. It just about makes up for the pain of watching the rest of it - until that point. I specify up to that point, because just after the falls section Eric Sweet suggests that this monstrosity would be a good device for teaching the handicapped and autistic to snowboard. WTF! Seriously this guy is straight up evil. I imagine he plans to end the lesson with a complimentary session of electroshock therapy or maybe some waterboarding.

And that’s not the end of this story. They might be badly dressed, evil attention seekers but they sure know how to flog a dead horse. Their next trick to eek out their one idea was to keep adding more people, and because they spotted that four people probably wouldn’t get much coverage they decided to up the anti quite a bit. They had a year to think about this and in 2009 they were back with the 10 person snowboard and because that still might not be enough, for good measure, they introduced a hefty dose of religious stereotyping into the mix.
I give you 10 Jews, 1 Snowboard...

And here’s an extract of the story from
Sweet has teamed with several friends to construct a 36-foot, 10-person snowboard. He plans to launch it April 1 at Jackson Hole Mountain Resort.
Sweet’s attempt to launch his giant, snake-like board comes with an odd twist, though. All 10 riders will be Jewish, including Sweet.

“It was more difficult to put 10 Jews together and agree on something,” Sweet said. “That’s part of what I think is funny: With 10 Jews, can we actually pull it off? I don’t know. With 10 Jews on a snowboard, it’s going to be hard for us to look athletic.”

Sweet said if the team completes a run and he has five witnesses, he expects the Guinness Book of World Records to recognize his Minyan Board as the longest snowboard ever used. He also has the interest of Fuel TV, which plans a segment on the run, and
Los Angeles producer Scott LaStaiti, who is considering turning the story into a movie.

Sweet is also thinking about writing a book about the experience.

“Nothing,” Sweet said, “will stop me.”
You can practically hear his evil cackle.
10 Jews, 1 Snowboard. Possibly the most heinous thing on the internet after 2 girls and one cup. I for one am shitting myself in fear of what these bastards will come out with in 2010.

You should probably read something else before you go to bed otherwise you’ll have nightmares. So check out our last article on snowboarding alternatives – Powered Snowboards

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