Last season I was snowboarding in Big Bear (an American resort with correspondingly silly name) in when I noticed this sign…

American’s can be a pretty litigious race but I can’t help feeling that this sign was really over stating the bleeding obvious. Anyway, after taking this photo, and just to stick it to the man, I rode straight across the paving. That told them.

And it made me wonder what other stupid signs I could find. To save me visiting all the resorts in the world and wasting my precious time and sanity finding and photographing signs, I decided to use the power of the Internet to find/steal images from other people’s diligent research. 

Snowboarding Celebrities 3, 4 & 5 – Pingu, Seal and Heidi Klum

Now at first glance you might think that these three celebrities have little in common but you’d be wrong. Read on to see how they are linked into one seething mass of cutting-edge snowboarding journalism...

Your average snowboarder spends weeks salivating over snowboard purchase. They spend countless hours reading through the magazine tests, foraging through the Internet for any semblance of good advice, asking friends to give their opinion even if they know nothing about snowboarding and when we finally enter the shop we will spend even more time perusing all the shiny new boards and asking the assistant for even more advice. In the end we buy the one with the pretty colours.

And that’s just the start of the long and complicated relationship we will have with our snowboard as we pass the initial stage of lust into a state of love. It follows closely the progress of any loving relationship, except of course we go out of our way to batter our boards which ‘apparently’ is just not acceptable with spouses or kittens. But at some point we will tire of our once-loved boards and they will eventually find themselves replaced by a new more colourful and shiny object of our affection.

So what happens at the end of a board’s life? It’s a question on almost no one’s lips, so in a complete about turn on the shameless seeking of popular topics we have been covering of late, here is an article with no topical relevance at all.

Teaching an Old Board New Tricks...

Snowboarding always seems to attract creative people. At times it seems you can barely move for professional snowboarders who have a successful sideline in photography, movie making, clothing design, magazine writing or creating snowboard graphics. However this is is not the reality, it’s just that the non creative professional snowboarder types have the good sense to leave it well alone.

Just like the X Factor will find a few people that can sing it also manages to find the completely deluded in droves. To be honest my favourite bit has always been the shows at the start. Once they get rid of the freaks the whole show really losses my interest.

While perusing the Internet I have on numerous occasions been visually poisoned by these...how should I put it... mentals. There are in fact so many ‘artists’ that are worth covering that I realised that they couldn’t all be given the justice they deserved in just one article, so in what is going to be an intermittent series I would like to introduce...

illicit Art Attack #1 - Pascal Jean Delorme

While thinking about how to increase the readership we realised that we just had to embrace porn because it is after all the foundation of the Internet, and in our hour of need the people of Smugglers Notch have come to our aid.

Smugglers Notch sounds like smutty innuendo but rather disappointingly it is a small town in Vermont who are decidedly anti-porn. At least they are in snowboarding way.

The big news in snowboarding at the moment is that Burton has caused some controversy by plastering scantily clad ladies across one of their snowboard ranges this season. This has riled up the US conservative community, who having lost the presidential elections, are spoiling for something to complain about. It has annoyed literally some Americans to the stage where they are leaving their trailers, actually writing things and have been seen walking, in street protests.

Snowboarding Celebrities No. 2 - Santa

Christmas is here children. It's on this special day that Santa comes comes down your chimney and empties his sack. But have you ever wondered what Santa does with his time the other 364 days of the year?

I had never considered this quandary before but once I asked it the evidence was clear and overwhelming. The answer is - extreme sports. In fact I'd go as far as to say he is some sort of extreme sports god who has mastered the whole array of sports.

I know it will be hard for you take in the news that this big fat pie-eating brandy-soaked old man is a better snowboarder than you, and you might be a bit unsure about this whole extreme sport god thing, so I guess you cynics out there want proof.

Well here's the truth, lets see if you can handle it...

Sunday the 21st is World Snowboard Day

I always thought World Days were used to stop things we didn’t want like AIDs, child labour and Vegans, so I was a little bit worried to discover that there is a World Snowboarding Day.

For those of you about to hit Europe for a chalet holiday there is one thing you will always find in abundance - free and always surprisingly heinous wine. For years this evil beverage has served no purpose other than dyeing clothes and starting fights. However if you embrace this game's simple rules you will find yourself unlocking the door to a better chalet experience and a better life.

We like snowboarding and we like Top Gear. It’s time for a quick interwebtastic mash-up as we introduce...

The Top Gnar guide to snowboarding cars
(Guaranteed to not include jokes about lorry driver murderers)

*Gnar is a shortened version of gnarly and it is therefore the abbreviated version of a shit bit of slang. I have only used it here because of the traditional requirement of a weak pun in the title.

Let's have a look at how we have cleverly pigeonholed the different ways you can mix snowboarding with cars.

Way back when, in days of snowboarding yore, there was an epic and bitter conflict between the great cultures of snowboarding and skiing. It was a time when it was clear to us snowboarders who our enemies were and a long and hard fought battle ensued. However, over time this clear-cut hatred became blurred. The barriers slowly fell one by one until we found that we had nothing much left to fight about and today we find ourselves standing shoulder to shoulder with our old enemies. Snowboarding ended up giving twin-tips, carving skis and baggie trousers to skiing and in return skiing gave us improved technical outerwear and resort-built snowparks.

That war may be over, but don't be fooled, because today a series of minor skirmishes still continue. Gone, is the clearly demarked enemy of old, and in their place we find a new and common enemy. Our modern enemy is fanatical, determined and resourceful. They are not a single force but a loose association of people with similar beliefs. They are hard to spot and often live amongst us without us knowing. But, if you are vigilant, there are subtle and important differences that can help you identify the threat. It is your duty to recognise these signs so that we can fight them together.

Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce - The Axis of Evil...